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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24877483">I Did?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiftyking/pseuds/shiftyking'>shiftyking</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red Dwarf (UK TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental Marriage, Champagne, Drunk Sex, Drunkenness, Lots of kissing, M/M, Pre-Season/Series 01, Realisations, Solving Mysteries, disaster Bi lister, not that mature but its not teen if you know what i mean, planet leave, repressed gay rimmer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:35:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,423</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24877483</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiftyking/pseuds/shiftyking</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by Last-One-on-Io on tumblrs awesome idea (link in the notes at the bottom) here's a little accidental marriage fic. It's a little spicier than I usually write. I hope you like it!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Did?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Planet Leave was only fun if you had somewhere to go, someone to go with or money to spend. The trifecta was really the best you could expect. Lister had none of them this time. Chen, Selby and Peterson were staying on board. They had no cash either and Mimas had a way of taking money from them like a fun little pick pocket. He had nowhere to go, his one time quick whatever it was with Kochanski was long over and no one else showed any sign of even looking at him in a romantic manner. Even Rimmer who was usually Smeghead in Chief was being nice to him, probably out of pity. He just wanted to get hammered and have nameless sex with someone vaguely interested in him for an hour or depending on how drunk he was probably less. </p><p>Rimmer didn’t know why he bothered going to Mimas. He didn’t need to. He didn’t want to. He could have hidden in a stasis booth. But he’d had a long ranty letter from his mother that had pissed him off in a way that required booze in some nameless gay bar hopefully with a handsome nameless bloke. A night of no longer pretending that he was anything other than what he was. He planned to not remember a thing this way it was easier to repress it like the other times. His plan he figured was genius and not in the slightest bit depressing. </p><p>So the next day they both reappeared in their bunkroom thoroughly hungover with very little memory indeed. Rimmer remembered just about an attractive bloke, something funny and heartwarming  and then sex which he began work on repressing as he thought of it. He felt rotten. </p><p>Lister remembered a night of excellent sex something funny happpening and very little else. He<br/>
had this odd niggling feeling but it was probably unimportant. Right then all he felt was dreadful. </p><p>Rimmer looked dreadful too, his hair sticking up at every angle imaginable. Far too pale as usual. He’d already been sick twice which was normally a good sign. So he made both Lister and him a very strong black coffee and they sat there each in the reverie of a good night that they’d never think of again.</p><p>6 Months Later</p><p>It started with an email to Lister. “Congratulations on your 6 Month Wedding anniversary David Lister! Book a trip to Mimas and get 25% off with the code BELLS”</p><p>He was confused. So utterly confused that he asked Rimmer what had happened six months ago. This led to Rimmer checking the calendar (something Rimmer had insisted on and Lister actually quite enjoyed for the fact he could look back on he could work out where he’d been when he got blackout drunk with the boys). Rimmer flipped through the calendar slowly and Lister sadly realised that Lister was the only one with events on it. Yes Rimmer would put on Historical dates (18th June Battle of Waterloo Ended) and Io’s National Day but its not like he did anything on them The sadder ones were his family's birthdays which he still sent cards to them despite the fact that Rimmer once while having yet another breakdown had let slip that they were completely estranged.</p><p>“Listy, Problem solved Planet Leave Mimas” Rimmer said triumphantly “you must have got hammered and married the first bird who’d drop her drawers for you”. He laughed to himself and checked his own emails on the screen. Lister sat quietly trying desperately to remember anyone he could have possibly married and couldn’t. Not at all. The only person he’d planned on marrying was Krissy and it definitely wasn’t her.</p><p>“Smeg thats strange” Rimmer piped up quietly.<br/>
“What?” Lister butted in suddenly curious.<br/>
“Look Yourself” Rimmer replied showing him the email it said “Congratulations on your 6 Month Wedding anniversary Arnold Rimmer! Book a trip to Mimas and get 25% off with the code BELLS”.</p><p>“Ok thats weird me getting married while hammered seemed right but you thats weird” Lister said jokily “the two of us got hitched on the same night plus since when did you get off for planet leave?”. Rimmer looked at him as if to say the matter needed to be changed immediately but Lister wasn’t buying that over the years of them living together he’d realised that Rimmer would tell him what he’d need to know after a while. “I do occasionally if I’ve had a bit of a bad day” Rimmer caged defensively. </p><p>“I don’t need to know what you get up to your a private man I can respect that, only we’ve both done the same thing” Lister empathised “both got hitched to people we can’t remember so maybe if we retrace our steps that’ll help because we must have been in the same places”</p><p>Rimmer said nothing if it was a night he could barely remember there was a very good reason for that. He didn’t need to think about it. “It's probably just spam” Rimmer said quickly and changed the subject and refused to go back.</p><p>But it was a Sunday morning, they weren’t working and Selby,Chen and Peterson wouldn’t be up for hours so this really got Lister thinking.</p><p>“No but Rimmer where did you go?” Lister enquired for the fifth time. By this point Rimmer had his hands on his ears screaming “la la la la I can’t hear you”. “Yeah I get that Rimmer” Lister persisted  “but where were you?</p><p>Todhunter could hear this down the hallway as he walked and he did not want to know at all. He knocked quietly and left a large bottle of champagne outside their room and left. Whatever was going on in there was not something he wanted to know.</p><p>The minute he heard the door Lister had run to it mainly to block Rimmer escaping and also because he hoped it was one of his friends who could help him solve the mystery of the missing brides and the matching weddings. It was not. It was a bottle of champagne with a card on it. Intrigued Lister brought it in and locked the door. Rimmer at this point had stopped screaming and had gone over to Lister to see what it was.</p><p> “Don’t think I’m finished questioning you” Lister said pointing at Rimmer.<br/>
”Champagne?” Rimmer ignored him  and changed the subject yet again “who the smeg would send us Champagne?”.<br/>
“Todhunter” Lister replied now reading the card “Lads Congratulations on the Anniversary, from Todhunter what”<br/>
“ How the hell does he know?” Rimmer whispered genuinely sounding nervous.</p><p>“Do you think he knows are wives then? Lister piped up excited like a kid on christmas.<br/>
“We shouldn’t ask, imagine how stupid we’d sound oh excuse me Mr Tod Hunter Sir” Rimmer said in a drawl “you don’t happen to know who we married do you as us silly children have forgot who we married as we were both hammered out of  our heads at the time”<br/>
Listed nodded”ok that may be a bad plan”<br/>
“ You think”Rimmer said looking panicky. He popped the cork off the champagne and took a big swig off it fortifying himself. </p><p>“Right we aren’t gonna panic whoever your wife is probably not come and here and cause a scene they probably don’t know who you are otherwise they would have said something in the last six months” Lister reasoned to both himself and Rimmer. “So” Lister started again “where were we?” Rimmer passed him the champagne he downed a bit and handed it back.<br/>
“What?” Rimmer chimed in.<br/>
“where did ya go. I went to some sort of bar. I think I met someone, probably the Mrs then  We went to a hotel, yeah that's right” Lister said proudly.</p><p>“I went to a bar” Rimmer said quietly “or a club that was loud and crowded”.<br/>
“Ok we’re getting somewhere which type?” Lister enquired<br/>
“Standard type nothing odd about it and none of your business” Rimmer came back quickly.</p><p>Lister felt himself hitting another dead end again. He thought for a while. He had a vague memory of a piece and paper. He didn’t know what it was but he knew him and whoever they were had to sign it. </p><p>“Ok man keep your secrets but I’m just sayin’ how bad it can be unless you’re into something really dodgy like I dunno like you married some girl goat like an actual goat  and nows Mrs Goat Gruff is out there lookin’ for ya or whatever I honestly don’t care” Lister said hoping to appeal to Rimmer’s good side. Rimmer rolled an eye “is that what your tiny little brain thinks of me a goat!” he laughed. “Alright then whose the missus gonna be, a busty blonde, a quiet brunette” Lister replied hoping he’d eked out enough of a repertoire to get an actual answer. “Wouldn’t be a missus for a start” Rimmer uttered very quietly  taking another few gulps of champagne while looking solely at the ground “or a goat thank you very much” he added, seemingly regaining himself. Lister let that sit for a moment thinking about it and placed a hand on Rimmer’s shoulder.</p><p>“Nothing wrong with that” Lister smiled back at him before trying to lift his mattress “I thought it was gonna be something weird and taboo or somethin’”. Rimmer smiled “it is on Io! That's a whole experience  I never want to think about again, It took ten years for my mother to send a letter to me”.<br/>
“That explains a lot” Lister said quietly. “What the smeg do you mean it explains a lot?” Rimmer asked confused and slightly irritated. “I just always thought..” Lister paused realising he’d backed himself into a hell of a corner.<br/>
“Yes go on” Rimmer goaded eyebrows now fully buried in his curls.<br/>
“I just thought you probably swung that way plus the McGruder thing was completely unbelievable”<br/>
“Well thats because I’m gay and she’s a lesbian and it was her iudea anyway” Rimmer shot back.<br/>
Lister screeched “I bloody knew it! I know when your lying” </p><p> </p><p>Rimmer watched Lister again and then finally he got up from the chair “why the smeg are you trying to get under your mattress?”. </p><p>Lister smiled again “it’s where I keep me papers and stuff”. Rimmer rolled his eyes and helped the struggling man and placed the mattress on the ground.</p><p> </p><p>“Under your mattress whats wrong with a box, or maybe a folder?” Rimmer monologued jokily. “Alright I get it” Lister went back “you keep things together nice and safe I get them messy. If we were married at least we’d know where everything is”.<br/>
“Yes under the mattress or in a safe place” Rimmer shot back smiling.<br/>
The pile of papers underneath it was huge and the two of them found themselves looking through the pile. Rimmer found every birthday card ever, old telephone numbers on bits of paper, postcards, a telephone contract, Lister’s birth certificate and an old very flat packet of crisps. </p><p>“Ah hah!” Lister cried triumphantly ”certificate of marriage and it’s still in it’s fancy envelope”.<br/>
Rimmer looked at him “are there two in there?”.<br/>
“Dunno lets find out” and Lister plonked himself on the mattress on the floor grabbing Rimmer’s hand and pulling him down with him. The envelope teared slightly in Listers hands as one certificate fluttered out onto the mattress. Rimmer and Lister grabbed it at the same time and their hands grabbed it together; they looked at each other, Rimmer blushing slightly. “You wanna read it or shall I” Lister said breaking the heavy silence. </p><p>Rimmer was speechless. His mental monologue was currently screaming to repress all feelings, “you feel nothing you are an emotionless being of supreme intelligence” he thought.. His heart however was thinking that Lister was very damn cute. He was a mess.He downed more champagne.</p><p>“Alright then I’ll do it” Lister said, interpreting the silence and taking a big swig of champagne opened it.  He stared at it “oh smeg I wasn’t expecting that well maybe a little bit”.<br/>
“What” Rimmer almost shouted in anticipation “is it yours or mine?”<br/>
“Yes” Lister replied quietly.<br/>
“What the hell do you mean” Rimmer screeched and then he saw it</p><p>CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE<br/>
DAVID LISTER<br/>
ARNOLD JUDAS RIMMER<br/>
MIMAS</p><p>They sat in a confused silence. “Well” Lister said jokingly “that explains a lot”. Rimmer sat there completely in shock and confusion “well that blows my cover”. Lister bursts out laughing “what are ya a gay secret agent, you spying on me”<br/>
”something like that” Rimmer replied jovially. </p><p>Lister leant in and kissed Rimmer slowly and Rimmer kissed back. It felt right somehow like they were picking up something they’d left behind.  He felt Lister's hand through his hair, his other arm pulling him close. If Rimmer was a poetic man he’d say it felt like a home but he wasn’t so he’d say it felt right. </p><p>“What was that for?” Rimmer said, confused. “Happy sixth month anniversary” Lister said playfully. “God my mum’s gonna hate you” Rimmer joked back as they sat in playful silence.<br/>
Lister kissed him again, this time things were escalating fast. Lister pushing Rimmer back onto the mattress unbuttoning his shirt laying careful kisses all over him as if he was mapping every part of his chest so he wouldn’t forget. </p><p>They lay on Lister’s mattress on the floor for sometime afterwards, both of them naked and sated under the strip lighting. “So Arn I was thinking” Lister said mock seriously.<br/>
Rimmer looked up at him “yes”.<br/>
“Divorces are expensive, we get extra days off and discount codes, we keep living how we live doing what we do and you get the opportunity to piss off your smeggy family?” Lister says looking at him intently feeling like if Rimmer decided to divorce him he might just cry.<br/>
“Alright I’ve got nothing better to do ” Rimmer jokes back and they lie in contented silence. </p><p>“You know I’m not changing my surname” Rimmer brought up.<br/>
“Nah too much work” Lister replied kissing him again “although we could hyphenate”.<br/>
Rimmer looked at him again “I suppose you could convince me”. They kissed again. It seemed like it was time for a second round. </p><p>This was going to be hard for Lister to explain to Selby,Chen and Peterson but he could do that later. It was his sixth month wedding anniversary after all even if he didn’t know about it until today.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys I hoped you enjoyed it. I really loved writing this it was super fun.</p><p>Really loved this May end up doing a sequel if anyone would be interested? </p><p>Idea here:<br/>https://last-one-on-io.tumblr.com/post/183539432612/oh-wow-me-and-somebody-else-just-had-this-amazing</p><p>Comments keep me going!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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